Songs For Guy

A return to the blog. I’ve been bad. I know. I make no excuses. I do not mention the broken internet connection. Nor do I consider telling you about the major publicity tour I have been engaged in of late. I wouldn’t dream of bringing up the promotions that have eaten into my sleep and, most likely truncated years off my life. You see I’m simply not that kind of guy.


Today my [not]-much-awaited return to the blog is in honour of a truly special show – Songs For Guy.

The concept: a cabaret-style evening of story-telling and songs from the perspective of a gay man living in New Zealand. Not one gay man, but a collection of individual gay men, all gay men in a sense. The songs range from Elton John and Billy Joel to South Pacific and Bruce Springsteen, and the stories have all been contributed by local gay men.

While typing the above paragraph I started to say that the show was a “celebration” of life from the gay perspective, but in fact I think one of the things I liked best about the show was that it wasn’t celebrating anything. It wasn’t in your face, it wasn’t angry or bitter, it just was. It seemed as natural as natural can be that these men would be talking and singing about love and the men they’d had it/done it/lost it with.

I wouldn’t like to say it “normalised” stories of gay romance, that would seem to dismiss the very reasons for its inception, but the show was so honest and open and (dare I say it again) natural, that nothing seemed amiss from any other show or bar that you might wander into.

This is the gay lifestyle I want to be a part of. Having always railed against the pill-popping, club-hopping, sleep with anything with a knob and a pulse (sometimes only one required) culture so often associated with the gay scene. This is what I’d like to see more of – gay people gathering for a drink, a sing-song and some stories that related to our lives, our experiences, and without the need for pomp and ceremony and making a big deal about it being our right to do so. We can be proud without being loud and alienating the straights.

I could be completely off the mark – this may not at all have been the intention of the show’s creators, but that’s what I took from it. As a result I believe people who don’t identify as gay can enjoy the show too, as general entertainment and an opportunity to see things from a different perspective.

The performers are all superb and all seem to come from different spheres of the gay menagerie. Cute-as-a-button Todd Emerson whom some of you may have seen me comment on before, is the stand-out to me. A) he’s the closest to my type but more importantly b) He has the clearest voice and best vocal control – attributes which did him credit in the intimate setting of the Limelight Room of the Aotea Centre.
[For Todd’s part in the shows creation, I now hereby absolve him of any responsibility in the theft of my solo in Faure’s Requiem when we were at school together.]

Also suffering the wrath of my wandering eye was Andrew Laing. He falls outside of mold of what I would describe as my type, but I would most certainly take me one of those. His cheeky expressions and deep, gruff voice drew my attention and certainly that of most of my table.

Enough stereotypical gay meat-marketing though – this is a show I urge you to see. Funny, poignant, beautiful and unique. I’m so pleased I went and would love to hear from you others who get along. I promise it won’t disappoint.


For those who are interested, this is the solo Todd stole from me rightfully earned, as sung by Kings College Cambridge.

Grease!

Another day, another dollar, another opening night at the glorious Civic. [Actually with the hours I'm working at the moment, one dollar seems quite an accurate valuation of my current wage. Plus opening nights at the Civic are far too rare, and in no way tied to my paltry dollars so pretty much just ignore that wee introduction. I digress!]


Having unsuccessfully scoured the lyrics for a less trite, clichéd introductory line I'm going to go with the old favourite... Grease is the word!


The most successful movie-musical of all time is back on the stage and bursting at the seams with laughs, energy and catchy tunes.

There's a catch though - to fully enjoy it you need to leave some of your preconceived ideas about the characters behind. It's tough to take such an iconic film with dozens of memorable roles and not draw comparisons between the on-stage cast and John Travolta, Olivia Newton-John, Stockard Channing, Frankie Avalon.

The actors and production team have tried to create their own unique takes on these roles and characters. A good thing for sure. If they didn't then they'd basically be copy-cat-ing and who wants to see a weaker, watered-down, mimic of some pretty fun characters?! If you can embrace these new characters you'll have an absolute blast.


Beauty School Dropout is perhaps the most changed of all the songs and by gum was it impressive. Disgustingly well looked-after Frankie Avalon with his slightly orange skin, pearly whites and trim frame has been replaced by a beautiful big black diva belting out those high-notes and surging through the rises which that wvroomph that comes from deep within. That song is completely transformed in pitch, tempo and feel, and is a great example of how a re-working from the film version of the song can rock your socks off, and take nothing away from the one you remember and love.

But it's not only our diva'd out angel who can sing, all of the cast are impressive vocally and manage to capture that 50's squeak in the voice. All turn in excellent performances too, comic and endearing, alluding to, changing, but also adding to, those performances we've all seen so many times on DVD.

The production values are top-shelf with brilliant, colourful sets that range from bed rooms to gyms, diners to schools. There's an actual Greased Lighting car which explodes onto stage. For crying out loud - they even keep a 7-piece band in bright shimmery pink suits in the ceiling! The costumes are also excellent, so much so that I considered trying to get hold of a sweater-vest after the show.

Most important was that I didn't stop smiling for two and a half hours. I got chills. They multiplied. Eventually I lost control and sang to the lady next to me ('Oh Sandy' become 'Oh Wendy').

Grease is a brilliant night out and I highly recommend getting yourself a ticket! Usually a shy and retiring, reticent personality, I left unable to stop shaking my groove thing and singing at a socially unacceptable level. No one seemed to mind.


__________
Five pink ladies!

PS - All of a sudden I'm ridiculously excited by the prospect of this:

Inception

Dear readers despair for alas, Inception has proved yet another stumbling block on the path leading to that grandest of goals: me thinking along the same lines as mainstream society.

Inception is a brilliant film. Excellently made and highly entertaining, but despite it's many, many strong attributes I left the screening feeling under-whelmed.

"Why," you ask (I can tell that you asked it because that part was in speech marks) "Why are you not raving about this film like every reviewer on Earth? Like every movie-goer on Earth. If you have a pulse, you should be raving about this film. Even the trailers and TV spots have fan groups on Facebook! Yet you have the audacity to be "under-whelmed"?!" (See what I did there with the quote inside the quote? Clever huh?)

I do want to sing the praises of this film. I want to tell you about how amazing Joseph Gordon-Levitt is. How Tom Hardy and Leonardo DiCaprio are coolness personified and a pleasure to watch. How the film is based on an entirely clever and original idea - a rarity these days. What about the breath-stopping corridor fight scene which push the world of visual effects to another level. It is all of these things and a true feat of film making. Christopher Nolan is excellent at what he does.

I am however, I'll confess to you and you alone, getting a leeeeeeetle tired of people rattling on about this film as it it's a life-changing experience. Yes it's excellent, but for me it didn't leave me questioning my reality, the world around me, everything I'd ever known and believed. I just walked away, no questions at all.

The film relies on layers and shifts in time and relativity, dreams and reality are inter-changed but I was hugely disappointed to be able to keep up the whole time. Not once did I question where I was or when or if it was a dream or not. Perhaps my expectations were misguided because of the publicity out of the US, but I really didn't get the dose of mind-fuck that I was looking for. I wasn't challenged.

Visually I was also let down. Yeah alright it looked pretty impressive, but it wasn't like the Matrix was - creating brand new effects never before seen on the big screen. The rolling over of Paris that we've all seen in the trailer was their big set piece and it was pretty meh really. I can't fault any of it, I just wanted a bit more.

I'm prepared for basically everyone to disagree with me on this one. I really am. Just please don't feel the need to tell me about it. My world has gone on completely unchanged post-Inception though I did enjoy the two and a half hours I spent watching it. I just don't feel the need to see it again.


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Four - bet you wouldn't have picked that from my comments as a whole, but I did tell you it was well made.

A bit of a catch-up

I know it will be of little consolation to my devoted readers (hi Mum!) but I truly have been very busy. You know, training clowns... catching rainbows... that sort of thing! Once again I'm sorry for being so lax when it comes to keeping you all informed of my valuable and always correct opinions on things.

Catch you you on the latest and greatest here are some quick fire opinions:

At the Movies
Twilight: Eclipse
SO mediocre it's crazy. Better made than the last two, but it still fails to prompt any sort of engagement or emotional response. There was nearly a threesome in a tent on a mountain though. That would have been ok.

Karate Kid
Actually bloody good! Not a direct copy of the first one but infused with the same spirit. Even Jackie Chan can't ruin this pretty fun film. Quite long, but also really enjoyable.

Toy Story 3
Great film. What can I say? Pixar have done it again. It's perhaps not as magical as Up in my opinion, but a damned fine film. Well worth the watch for families and lovers of animation.

I'm ridiculously behind on my arthouse viewing I'm sorry to report. I do mean to see The Last Station, Me and Orson Wells and Secret in their Eyes.


On the Box

• Recently the Neil Patrick Harris episode of Glee was better than having sex while eating toast... with peanut butter on it!
• I'm sorry to see the back of Modern Family which is, in my humble absolute correctness, one of the best TV shows to come out of the US in quite some time.
• Outrageous Fortune is back and better than ever.
• Nurse Jackie also returns adding a touch of prescription meds to the on-air line-up

In your ears

I haven't really heard anything brilliant recently that's been pushed on the radio. However... 

I was lucky enough to hear Janine Foster play recently at the Basement. She is an amazing talent and one to watch. A powerful, smokey voice and song writing that made me involuntarily stop breathing. You can actually check her out for free by coming to this event. 

I'm also a little intrigued by some artists I've only heard single songs from. They're all local acts and they are:

Lydia Cole

Annah Mac

SJD

Kristen Morrell

James Duncan

Seth Haapu

Iva Lamkum

So hopefully this will bring you roughly up to speed on the things that have been occupying my thoughts and spare time recently. I will try to be better. I, of course, promise nothing!

Cemetery Junction

So firstly I suppose I should start my apologising for the length of time in between movie-related posts. Let's be honest... Sex and the City 2 hardly counts! A few  things have jolted me out of my not-really-imposed non-retirement. Firstly I've finally spent a few days back at home and not running around the country of across the Tasman Sea. Second was this lovely lady telling me to get off my lazy butt and write. I suppose mostly though it is that [thirdly] I've just noticed Cemetery Junction has just released here in New Zealand and I really do feel it deserves a mention, even if only from me.


Be not afraid; for although Ricky Gervais has burned us all with such artistic and comedic triumphs as Ghost Town and The Invention of Lying this one is a true gem of British comedy.

I hadn't expected much to be honest. I knew that it was Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant who had penned and directed the film, and I... actually that was it. I wasn't super excited given their past efforts on the silver screen, but I was prepared to give it a chance.

I'm so glad I did. It's funny, it's sweet, it's charming and it's oh so English. It's good quality writing around a really simple and lovely story. Throw in some lovely young actors and actresses, all doing a very good job and you've got yourself a top-shelf film. The best news is actually that Gervais and Merchant both act as only minor parts leaving the film to speak for itself and stand on its own two feet.

It's a beautiful decade, it's a wicked soundtrack, gumboot loads of laughs and one or two leather jackets.

With all the better elements of the Office and Extras comedy (less the cringe factor) and an ending which made it's way swiftly towards An Education territory, this really is worth watching. If you've liked bits of some of these films then I suggest you give this a try: An Education, A Single Man, Calendar Girls, Kinky Boots...


You getting the idea? Good. Now go and watch this film. It's in cinemas right now!


__________
4 and a half pints of bitter.




P.S. Those of you on Twitter you can follow me here.

When the Rain Stops Falling

The opening paragraph from the NZ Herald review for When the Rain Stops Falling says what I will attempt to for the rest of my ramble below when it says:

God, this is bleak - fabulously so. An excellent production of a near-brilliant epic, it piles aching misery on tragic crisis on disturbing horror. Australian playwright Andrew Bovell pushes past family melodrama to find something so dark it makes Arthur Miller's characters seem self-indulgent and screechy.

So yes, this play is bleak. Brilliantly and upliftingly so. For many people that will make the one hour fourty-five minutes of uninterrupted drama quite a daunting prospect. I can understand why, but I can't agree. I've said many times before that the reason I prefer to go to theatre productions is to be challenged and pushed. Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of musicals and comedy, and I'm not just looking for depression, but there can be joy and redemption in tragedy. There's something so moving, raw and personal in seeing the trials and tribulations of group of strangers played out on stage. The human condition laid bare, your world forgotten for a few hours. You emerge with a fresh perspective on your own existence whether you see side-splitting comedy or wrist-slitting drama.

The silo, under the guidance of Shane Bosher, always stages engaging and challenging productions. When the Rain Stops Falling is no exception. 

The play spans a number of years and generations and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the characters stories will overlap in some way, but it will take you most of the length of the play to figure out the who's and how's, in what is in many ways as much a whodunit as it is a drama. Once you do figure out who is who, your reward comes in the smaller details of the costume and hair & make-up design as well as a myriad of almost unnoticable ticks, tells and clues from the actors. 

The acting here is actually the key. With cast members playing the same characters at different points in their lives, sometimes on stage with "themselves" at the same time, the play would have fallen flat had it not been for superb performances from all of the actors involved. I'll say it again, they are fine, fine performances from every cast member.

In terms of the technical aspects of this play, it's one of the more complex I've seen in a long, long time. Falling props, digital projectors, snow, a fractured stage and a table and chairs requiring legs of different lengths are but a few of the tools and potential trip-wires the cast and crew have had to work with. Much like a jigsaw puzzle though, every piece seems to fit and the overall pictures will only work if each one is in it's right and proper place. 

You can expect to laugh, but not often. You can expect to be confused, in fact going in with this belief should help to sharpen your senses. But most of all you can expect to enjoy theatre at it's best. Go and enjoy this beautiful view of an ashen world; the reward outweighs any doubts you may have.

__________

five fried fish 

The Marriage of Figaro - NBR New Zealand Opera

There's something so comforting about a Mozart opera for both ardent fans and the uninitiated. It's the comfort in knowing that there will be something there that you recognise, some song you will have heard or hummed in the past. It's the comfort that you're not going into something completely blind!

While I consider myself relatively well versed in the craft, I must admit I went into Figaro having not heard or seen it before, and without doing any research. Understandably (or at least I think so!) I didn't know what I'd recognise, what to look forward to. No Queen of the Night Aria, no Nessun Dorma, what would I know?

Thankfully it didn't take long to set minds at ease; about 0.75 seconds into the overture you can breath a sigh of relief when you recognise the little ditty featured here in this NBR New Zealand Opera clip:


After that you will find three or four notable arias which you will have heard on the radio, in advertising, or in those dreadful packs of the "1024 best classics".

[At this point you may be asking which I'm referring to the company by the full name 'NBR New Zealand Opera'. Well as you can imagine it's quite expensive to stage an opera and the people at the National Business Review have been long time name sponsors. I dare say they are responsible for the very fact that we even have a national opera company! So credit where credit's due - thank you NBR!]

As for the performance itself, I daresay this is one of the finest that the company has staged. I don't believe I'm alone in this view as I was thrilled to see the Aotea Centre full to bursting point.

Many reviews will resort to, or even begin with, comments on the set and lighting to mask bad performances. I however have decided to mention this up front because the first thing you see when you arrive is a collosal wooden wall which functions as the curtain for our performance. Essentially a ranch slider, it is a masterpiece of set design, drifting to reveal or cover sections of the stage as required and allow for set changes behind it. The walls and floor also slide during the performance allowing for characters to remain on stage and the very rooms around to them to expand or contract depending on their importance to the scene. The lighting too is excellent particularly when it comes to the sun and the moon that stream into the many rooms that our story takes place throughout.

The soloists are all very, very fine singers and are gifted with an excellent sense of comic timing - after all opera is as much slapstick as it is drama. I thought all were superbly cast and carried their roles strongly, but I would like to pay particular compliment to the two sopranos. Nuccia Focile played the part of the Countess and her vocal control was immaculate. Most people don't realise that the harder thing in opera is not singing loudly, but singing softly and still achieving a clarity and tone that allows the audience in the very last row to hear. I believe Miss Focile is off to The Met shortly and imagine that this review was a large part of their decision to cast her. Emma Pearson as Susanna was spot on and, though her singing was better, reminded me in many ways of Rachel Griffeths in the film Very Annie Mary.

The orchestra were a well oiled machine, as always, and the chorus continue to grow from strength to strength, though admittedly this is not an opera that allows them much time to shine.

Clever costumes and an overwhelming sense of fun round off a splendid night out and I would encourage you all to get along to see it. My friend who accompanied me had never been to a live opera performance before and loved it. Trust me, you'll never find a better composer than Mozart to introduce you to the art.


__________
Full marks from me
[I have amended this score, removing half a mark after a friend and member of the chorus admitted to me just now that someone forgot to wear their hat on to the stage.]
[After careful consideration I have decided to restore one quarter of a mark because if this chastisement for failure to wear a hat is indicative of the NBR New Zealand Opera's expectations and desire for greatness, then my own hat, had I indeed remembered to wear it, would be off to them.]

Sex and the City 2

My old mate Edmund Blackadder once said to his lady queen

"Madame, life without you is like a broken pencil; pointless."

If that is true, then Sex and the City 2 is all that remains of what was once a whole case of pencils, trampled brutally underfoot by a hoard of charging, drunken women, their lead now but a fine dust blowing away in the slight autumn breeze.

If one were to look for a point to this film (though why one would bother is beyond me) I think the closest thing you would find would be that it acts as a two and a half hour commercial. For UAE tourism, for Moët, for dozens of shoe and dress designers, though strangely without any stand-out shoes or dresses. It is, in short, painful.


The actresses are not old, but not young. They exist in that strange middle ground where they can no longer play sexy, smouldering young women (or even middle-aged women) but they're not yet old enough to bemoan their fate as the aged and forgotten. As Suzie Salmon might say, they're in the in-between.

The one-liners aren't as razor-sharp, nor as shocking. In fact, they can all pretty much be summarised as:
Any one of three plain women: "[Insert statement here.]"
Samantha (the slut): "I'd like to [insert your statement here]."

Yes. All hilarious stuff. Willy jokes. Boob jokes. Orgasm jokes. How we laughed. By "we" I of course mean those women in the audience still drunk enough to ignore the many short-comings of the film. Ahahaha short...comings. Get it? [If you didn't, then 10 points to you. If you did get my hilarious orgasm-double-entendre, then a further question must be asked - was it funny? If you say yes, rush out and see this film. If not, 1000 points to you.]

The first 15 minutes of the movie were the best. They were hideously offensive to most gay men, I counted no less that 742 stereotypes, but they were the best. How could they not be - Liza was there! Yes Liza Minnelli rides in to save the day with a fun, albeit hardly musical, version of Single Ladies.

NB At this time I would like to put in the disclaimer that the first 15 minutes might not have actually been the best in the film, but after 15 minutes I'm pretty sure that my Moët/anaesthetic was starting to run low... as was my patience.

Please don't make me go on. I really did find this film dreadful. A poll of the six women I work with who saw it with me revealed that not one, not a single one enjoyed it.

I doubt I'll convince any women reading this not to watch the film. But now that I've posted this I will be able to say I told you so!




__________
1 Star (Liza)

This is an outstandingly hilarious post on the same "film".

Prince of Persia - The Sands of Time

OK mate. Just repeat after me, "think Pirates of the Caribbean. It's a rip-rollicking ride, fun times, bit zaney, bit of action, bit of comedy. It won't be crap."

I repeated that to myself over and over going into the screening. "Pirates. Rip-rollicking. Fun. Zaney. Action. Comedy. Not crap".

It started off as much I'd thought, Bruckheimer and Disney. What could go wrong? In truth, not too much did go wrong. Not much went right, but the film's a bit of fun.

Did it have a great story? No.
Did it have amazing dialogue? Noooooo!
Special effects? No really.
Action? Meh.
Acting? Huh?
Charm? A little.

The problem was that I had to keep repeating it back to myself during the film. "Pirates. Rip-rollicking. Fun. Zaney. Action. Comedy. Not crap." It tries so desperately to emulate the success of the Pirates trilogy but... without Johnny Depp! Yeah I know right?! Not going to happen.

I've never really been much of a Jake Gyllenhaal fan/stalker. He's done some good stuff (Brokeback Mountain and Zodiac for example) but I've never been wowed by him. Nor have I found him drop dead gorgeous. In this film however, I'm prepared to acknowledge... he looks gooooood. He's just not a leading man yet. Maybe one day.

Gemma Arterton however... well let's just say I had a hard time believing that hers is a face so beautiful that legends were told in the room next door, let along in distant lands. Hardly Helen of Troy. Also hardly Helen of Mirrem.

The saving grace in terms of humour, entertainment, acting and my self-respect for attending was Alfred Molina. The man is a revelation and the film is the richer for having him there. Not the same number of lines, and certainly not the same salary, but definitely the Captain Jack of this Pirates.


So it was a little bit crap, but Pirates er... Prince of Persia is pretty zaney, pretty rip-rollicking and a perfectly alright way to spend a couple of hours.


__________
I'm forced, I feel, to mark this one out of ten and score it with a full 6 pack!

30 Seconds to Mars - SCAVENGER HUNT

EMI Music NZ had so much fun hanging out with the winners of their 30 Seconds To Mars 'This Is War' scavenger hunt album listening party, that they've decided to do it all again! But bigger and better!!

We know that you are just as excited as we are, that 30 Seconds To Mars are finally coming to New Zealand to play their very first show here, ever. Tuesday, 3rd of August, at Auckland's Logan Campbell Centre; write it down! The date is ALL AGES and tickets go on sale from 9AM, on Thursday the 15th April from Ticketek.

So! As we all count down the days until August, EMI Music NZ have devised an online scavenger hunt to help you get closer to your favourite band... This is the treasure hunt, to end all treasure hunts, for fans of 30 Seconds To Mars. The grand-prize winner will not only win themselves two tickets to the Auckland show, they will also win the chance for themself and their best friend, to meet 30 Seconds To Mars at a special meet and greet event... AND a Masi speciale fixed gear bike (courtesy of Masi & T.White's Bikes) - think the bikes from the 'Kings And Queens' music video - which you can get the band to sign when you meet them! There will also be three runner-up winners who will win tickets to the show and 30 Seconds To Mars meet and greet, for themselves and a friend.

Beginning Thursday April 8th, there will be a new clue released each weekday at 4:30PM. Each 'hunt'-week will run from Thursday to Wednesday and you will need to collect all five clues from each week, to find the secret location of jigsaw puzzle pieces online. There are ten puzzle pieces to hunt out and from them, you will be able to create a ticket. Once you have put together the jigsaw puzzle to form the ticket, you need to e-mail it and your contact phone number to iamasecretsecret@gmail.com pronto! The very first person to e-mail a correctly solved ticket, will win themselves first place and the grand prize!!

The next (second) person who e-mails a correctly solved ticket, will win runner-up prizes. There will be two more runner-up placings up for grabs... From every correctly solved ticket that is received (excluding those that have already won), two lots of three people will be drawn at random to fight it out in two separate 30 Seconds To Mars trivia quizzes, with the winner from each quiz being awarded the two final runners-up placings in the overall treasure hunt!

EMI Music NZ will also be giving away spot prizes of 30 Seconds To Mars NZ tour posters, stickers, CD's and band merch throughout the entire hunt.

HOW TO PLAY:
- Follow EMI Music NZ on Twitter at http://twitter.com/EMIMusicNZ
- Hunt out each new clue, every weekday at 4:30PM.
- Solve all five clues in a hunt-week. Each clue will give you one letter or character.
- Make sure to keep all the letters/characters that you solve within a hunt-week, in order!
- With all the letters/characters in order, insert them straight into the end of this web-address: http://www.theinsoundfromwayout.co.nz/
- If you solved all the weeks clues correctly, you will be taken to a web-page which will contain a picture file of a jigsaw puzzle piece. Save it to your computer!
- The final clue of the final hunt-week will be released at 4:30PM on Wednesday, the 16th of June. As soon as you have found the final jigsaw puzzle piece, you will need to put together the jigsaw using all ten pieces to create a ticket.
- As soon as you have managed to put together the ticket, e-mail it as a .JPG file with your full name and contact phone number to:iamasecretsecret@gmail.com
- If you are not one the first two to e-mail a correctly solved ticket, you will have one final chance at being drawn at random to take part in a 30 Seconds To Mars trivia competition on Thursday June 17th to win one of the final runners-up placings in the treasure hunt.

Musings Of An Infantile Geriatric has your thirty-seventh clue in the treasure hunt, below...
'This Is War' Clue #37. Revenge is sweet - Nemo Me Impune Lacessit. How many leaves can you see, on the Star of the Order of the Thistle?

Become a fan of T.White's Bikes at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=39451529746
Read the terms and conditions that apply at: http://www.theinsoundfromwayout.co.nz/30stm-treasurehunt-termscondition/
For more competition details and FAQ: http://www.theinsoundfromwayout.co.nz/30stm-treasurehunt/

My Best Friend is You - Kate Nash

This is not Lily Allen. This is not Lily Allen. This is NOT Lily Allen. Oh fuck it! It is so Lily Allen. Just listen to them! They have the same Chav accent and the same style of music. What more is their to either one.

In fairness there are a couple of differences:

• For whatever reason Kate Nash seems more artistically respected than our dear Lily. Not sure why or how. 
• Kate doesn't seem to have the same cheeky sense of humour than our dear Lily. Kate just uses more bad words the nuns told me not to even listen to let alone hear.
• My father also provided a key insight into Kate Nash when he said, "she's unnecessarily aggressive and angry." As in-favour of aggressive anger as I usually am, in this case he's not wrong. 

I tried, for the sake of my friends/kidnappers at Coup de Main to like this album. And I very nearly did with Kiss That Grrrl, which is in my humble opinion the best on the album. But then I found tracks like I Just Love You More and Mansion Song. No. sorry, just no.

Once again I think if you're a fan then you'll likey. For me though, a couple of listens was more than enough to expose some pretty novice song-writing skills and a lack of much musical ability.


__________
1 1/2 efforts made

Love In Motion - Anika Moa

I was surprised when I found myself enjoying the new song from Anika Moa. Really enjoying it in fact. It saw it on the music television (yes... those last three words should be read in the voice of an octogenarian) and I thought it was alright. I heard it on the radio (just use your normal voice for the rest of this) and it grew on me slightly. It wasn't until I heard myself singing it that I realised how much I actually liked it. Even more surprising was the realisation that it wasn't my angelic song-bird-esque voice that made me like it, it was, and still is, a bloody good song.

The 'it' I refer to is the first single off Moa's new album Love in Motion. To drop the pronoun... 'it' is Running Through the Fire (Storm). It's up-beat, it's catchy and it's a sing-a-long-able gem.

I've never been a big fan of Anika Moa's stuff, having simply never been wowed by her other songs and also never been a subscriber to that whole "buy NZ music because it's NZ music" school of thought.

I'm sorry to say that my opinion hasn't been greatly changed by this album. It's ok... but not something that will stay in my rotation for too long.

Clearly the outstanding track is the single, but there are a few other decent tracks too such as Blame it on the Rain and Burn This Love.

I think that if you like her other stuff, you'll like this album. If you're not a fan, then don't expect the world. It's a perfectly listen-able album, but not in a league with similar kiwi artists or albums - Bic Runga's Drive for example, though Moa is certainly a bit rock-ier than Runga.

This article has show-cased well my love of, and indeed skill in, inventing new words by simply using one or many hyphens. See if you can find them all!

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3 notable tracks

For some reason the embedding has been disabled by the record company, but here's a look/listen at Running Through the Fire.

Avenue Q

For those who don't know, Avenue Q is a live stage show, musical and cross between The Muppets and the DVDs usually kept behind beads in most central-city video stores. It was nominated for six Tony Awards (that's the theatre award like an Oscar!) and won three of them. It also just opened at The Civic here in Auckland.

I have to be honest with you, I pendulumed throughout the performance finding it at times hilarious, and at other times a little overrated. The funny parts are involuntary-blurt-out-laughing funny, but what frustrated me as a fan of musicals, was that often the show seemed to be trying to take the Mickey out of the genre. If you're after an example, try examining the first act for sentimentality. Any hint of reflection, a piano driven ballad, a sniff of introspection, hopes or dreams, moments filled with a sense o... crushed like a one-legged leper's dreams of being a dancer!!!

In the end though, the highs were enough to leave me entertained, having laughed enough to skip doing my usual 200 sit-ups at home that day. Really... few things in life give me more pleasure than watching puppets swear their little butts off.

The high point of the show for me came, not in the form of any grossly offensive punch line but in the transformation of Christmas Eve, a Japanese woman whose dreams of working in a Chinese Laundromat will, of course, never be realised. This diminutive, Engrish speaking Oriental suddenly unfurls one of the best soul/R&B voices I've ever heard with the number The More You Ruv Someone. Think Ella Fitzgerald, Etta James, Shirley Bassey. Wow! I mean Wow! I don't think this YouTube clip is as strong as the woman doing it here in Auckland (Christina O'Neill) but have a listen if you like.

Other song highlights for me were the hilarious live puppet sex show You Can Be as Loud as the Hell You Want, The Internet Is For Porn and Everyone's a Little Bit Racist. Special mention goes to the composers for writing a song called Schadenfreude! 

The staging and concept is unique and original, and I heard many people remarking that after a little while you begin to watch the puppets and not the puppeteers. It wasn't like watching Les Mis for the first time, but this is a fun night out for anyone who likes musicals, theatre or smut. 

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4 knobs up

The Blind Side

So after what seems like weeks since the media screening and months since its US release, I've finally watched The Blind Side.

You know what? It's not vomitastic. I really was expecting the worst. By the worst I, of course, mean every other football movie you've ever seen - kid comes from the wrong side of the tracks and no one really gives him a chance until one day an unexpected encounter with an unlikely stranger sets in motion a series of events that would change the course of his life for ever and all because someone looked beyond what they saw on the outside, took a chance on him and just believed. Good god! What a long sentence and what a pile of slop. How many movies have that plot?!

Yeah yeah yeah. Call me a cynic, but to my way of thinking, the single worst thing a film can be is unoriginal.

Now don't get me wrong, Blind Side doesn't quite steer clear of all of the pitfalls of copy-cat film making, but it's certainly better than I'd expected and certainly better than most.

Cathy Bates was, as she always is, a welcome addition to the cast which was, overall very good. I'm still not sure I'm 100% comfortable that I live in a world where Sandra Bullock is an Oscar winner. Yes she's very lovely, and seems like a lot of fun; the kind of woman you could grab a beer with a have a laugh. But I think it's for these reasons that she won - the voters like her and this was as good an excuse as any to give her a gong. It's not that her performance was bad, it's very strong in fact, but Oscar worthy...? Well not in my opinion. The politics of awards season - you could speculate for the rest of your life and still never come close to understanding the way people think or act.

I think the nicest thing about this film is that it probably started its life as just one of those kids from the wrong side of the tracks. Somewhere along the way a producer or a critic got hold of it and decided to help take it to the next level. It's bigger than the sum of its parts and that really does count for a lot.

While the trailer still makes me want to throw up at the thought of seeing it again, the film itself is well worth a watch.


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3 1/2 well call me Susans.

Not worthy of an Oscar

Horseplay

Horseplay is an Auckland Theatre Company offering during the Writers and Readers Festival. It chronicles a fictional meeting between two of New Zealand's best known writers; James K Baxter and Ronald Hugh Morrison. It is, in short, the literary academic's wet dream.

Anyone who knows anything about, or has read anything from, either writer will be well equipped to pick up the allusions, the in-jokes and the overall cleverness & wit of the play. Unfortunately I still consider myself a foreigner despite having lived here for the last 13 years, and know nothing about and have read nothing from either of these local literary giants. Thus, I will be forced to give me you my take on the play; that of a self-confessed layman.

In the play, a critically-brow-beaten Morrison recognises Baxter as the latter walks along the road on the outskirts of Morrison's home town of Hawera. He decides to seize his moment; picks Baxter up as if he doesn't recognize him and sets about "out writing" the man by spinning him a twisty-turny story about his home town and the supposedly savage inhabitants. As the play develops we learn more about both men and their diametrically opposed lives and styles of writing.

I'll be honest, by the time the intermission came I felt that I had overreached by attending and that everything in the play would be a little over my head. I laughed at the funnier lines (I'm not a complete moron!) but I wasn't getting some of the inside jokes I would normally expect to be privy to.

By the time the play finished however, I'd found myself several times on the verge of profoundness. Something in the lines that the two characters spoke would reach out and touch me. Leave my thoughts lingering. Nothing profound or ground breaking on my part of course, but enough to touch me for a moment.

I could be completely wrong of course, (it has happened once before) but as I left I remarked to my friend/chauffeur-for-the-evening that I thought the joy of the play was that it lent both characters something that they'd never had; Baxter's more poetic and romantic, almost abstract and decorative turn of phrase was lent and earthy, grounded feeling, while Morrison's straight-talking, crude and coarse turn of phrase achieved a sense of flight and afforded something almost nearing a beauty.

The ultimate melding of the two styles can be found near the conclusion of the play when Baxter forces Morrison to rattle off a poem for him to take down. 'Ode to Hawera' is both blunt and stirring.

Tim Balme and John Leigh both turn in excellent performances which are sure to entertain. Special mention should also go to the lighting and set designers whose work is as well crafted as it is subtle and therefore liable to go unmentioned.


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For myself I'd give Horseplay three winnie's. For the brighter and better-read among you, four. In either case I'd suggest you check it out for yourselves - it will be playing at the Maidment Theatre until May 29th. By all means, let me know what you think.

For another take on the same performance, why not check out this post from Vaughn Davis.

When In Rome

My great-aunt used to say "If you don't have anything to say, don't say anything at all." Long time readers will know that the phrase is not one that I've really taken to heart.

That having been said I did struggle when it come to jotting down my thoughts on When In Rome. The temptation was there to lay into it, in a big way, but the truth is that it's such a bad film, I find myself unwilling to expend the time and effort it would take to come up with a moderately informative and amusing list of reasons why it sucked. 

It was a nice idea, the kind most of these sorts of films are based on, but it just didn't spark. None of the cast were really very funny or convincing in their roles. It wasn't romantic or funny - a major failing for a romantic comedy. 

Save yourselves. Instead, why not watch this far more interesting video I have taken the time to embed for you.

Look at that! Somehow I found the strength to type despite having nothing nice to say. Aunts aye?

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Zero. Just zero.

All Days Are Night: Songs for Lulu - Rufus Wainwright

Rufus Rufus Rufus!! God I love this guy. Rufus Wainwright is one of the most original and talented musicians to emerge in recent years and... a personal friend favourite of mine.

Most of you will best know him as the guy who sang Hallelujah in the first Shrek, but Wainwright is a gifted composer, singer and gay icon. He's written and performed songs on countless soundtracks and with All Days Are Night: Songs for Lulu, Wainwright's sixth studio album hits stores.

It's a brilliant album but, truth be told, perhaps one that's more for the fans than the casual listener. All 12 songs are striped down piano-vocal numbers, more intimate and certainly less elaborate than his previous work.

It's also quite a dissonant album with more crunches between the chords and melody than, I think, most people will be used to. Some of the songs also have that Bowie-esqu quality of unusual melodic twists.

That having been said, the album is intimate and rich, soulful and affecting. I really love it.

No it's not as fun as Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk or as deliciously camp as his live album covering Judy Garland's famous 1961 concert at Carnegie Hall which, as an aside may be the gayest thing I own, but this stripped down approach to recording is more revealing of the man himself and more engaging for the listener.

Some highlights include Martha, Zebulon, The True Loves and Les Feux D'Artifice T'Appellent from Wainwright's Opera Prima Donna which had it's debut at last year's Manchester International Festival. Some oddballs are the three sonnets which were written during the Robert Wilson project "Sonnette". Musically interesting, but melodically a bit flat and again, some unusually dissonant accompaniment.

I've heard it described as lachrymose, Gershwinian, and "casually in his element". Once again Wainwright continues the family tradition of airing dirty laundry through song. For a bit of fun consider Rufus' song Dinner at Eight with his sister Martha's Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole - both about their father Loudon Wainwright.

Like I said... I love it, but I'm well aware it might not be for all. It is an album of one man, his piano and his lush, tone-full voice, beautiful and hugely personal. If you're unsure or wanting a sample, try the video below.


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5 thumbs up from me!

Date Night

Much like my ill-fated trip to Cop Out I thought that Date Night might be a bit of fun. I'm a bit of a fan of Tina Fey's stuff and I think Steve Carell has some moments of brilliance along with some completely forgettable turns *cough* Get Smart *cough*.

Date Night can probably be described as the closest thing American comedy can get to farce. Throw in a couple of set pieces and some slapstick and you've got yourself a reasonably entertaining flick. I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it. I laughed steadily throughout, not side-splittingly so, but regularly.

I was there with a friend who has a similar sense of humour to me and we quietly chuckled away quite happily. There were moments when there was just the two of us laughing so I don't promise the same experience for others. I'm completely willing to accept that my trip to the movies may have been compromised by a few beers and intoxicating comradery, but I still think the film's a bit of alright.

There are some fun cameos from James Franco, Mila Kunis, Mark Ruffalo, Kristen Wigg and Mark Wahlberg too.

Go one, check it out. It won't rock your world, but it's a decent way to spend a couple of hours. Just don't skimp on the drinks!


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2 1/2 bottles of beer on the wall

Cop Out

Don't. Just don't!

I thought that seeing this Bruce Willis - Tracy Morgan film might be a bit of a giggle, a bit of a laugh and it is... but it's the smallest possible bit in recent memory.

I chuckled. I did. But it didn't really do anything more. There were no big laughs. At all.

Story? Hmmm.... none. Two mismatched cops take on a case that's bigger than them both with [supposedly] hilarious consequences. Heard that before?

Acting? Passable but unspectacular.

Remarkable? Not at all. So much so that I was asked why I was here watching "this piece of crap" by the studio rep at the screening. Good sign aye?!

Kevin Smith directed this film. THE Kevin Smith. I can't say how disappointing it is to see such a funny and talented director fall this far and hard from grace.


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1 Blah

Broken China

Some of you may have read of my last trip to The Basement. For my return visit, I was a little more conscious, while dressing, of the need to fit in. I needn't have bothered as it turns out. It was the opening night of Broken China; the theatre crowd were there in full force, the tongues were wagging and all eyes were on everyone else but me.

Broken China tells the story of two 1950's housewives, both on the surface the picture of domestic servitude and bliss. A post-card from a bygone era; glassy-eyed apron wearers who dream of nothing more than cleanliness, uniformity and new lino. Joan is at home dutifully doing her chores when Joyce knocks on the door and invites herself around for tea; a tipple likely to change their lives forever. Their two worlds, secretly in crisis, are exposed as the play progresses; social expectations are stripped bare and worlds unravel.

The performances here from creators Chelsie Preston Crayford and Sophie Roberts are both excellent. The two really capture their characters in all their Formica glory. Humour, insight and dignity with a dark undercurrent.  (I suppose it helps that they invented the characters!)

The dialogue is the key. It's hilarious both in content and delivery with snipes from either woman masquerading as compliments and niceties. Ah the glories of social etiquette.

This is the kind of theatre that I like. It's new, it's compelling and it's both bloody funny and challenging, often at the same time.

As the brochure says:

This bold new work is a celebration of the moments that offer us escape, and the joy to be found in smashing teacups and ripping up the lino. 

Moments of escape are few and far between, Broken China is one such moment and you should grab it before it's little porcelain handle snaps off. You absolutely have my recommendation to go and see it.

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4 1/2 shattered china tea cups

Hot Tub Time Machine

Few films have the capacity to make my eyes bleed. Unfortunately, as I would learn, Hot Tub Time Machine is one of those films. Either that... or I was crying tears. I'll never know.

Have you ever heard the expression 'lighting doesn't strike twice'? Well imagine if you will that The Hangover is a bolt of lighting. Now imagine that Hot Tub Time Machine is a 4 foot 8, snaggletoothed, slightly chubby, moron, climbing to the top of the SkyTower during the decade's most fierce thunder storm holding an umbrella with the lyrics to the Kiss song Shock Me printed on top.

Yes never before has such a shameless attempt been made to replicate the success of another film. Not even The Hangover 2 will try this hard to copy the first one!

If you liked the look of the trailer, then I submit to you that you have already seen the best parts of the film. Honestly, I laughed five times. Maybe six. I felt the need to apologise to the friend I had brought.

I wish someone with access a time machine had come back and told me not to bother.


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1/2 a laugh

For Your Entertainment - Adam Lambert

Look. I'm as surprised as anyone to see this written on my blog, but American Idol Runner-Up Adam Lambert has actually released something pretty decent with For Your Entertainment. Better than pretty decent actually... it's very good!

Now I may not be as open minded as some, but to my eye, this is a fairly racy cover. Camp, one might even say. Not really my style, but I do love the irony and the homage of it all. Glam rock lives!

I most definitely went into this expecting yet another album churned out by the Idol machine. I had no doubts this guy could sing, lord knows every one of his performances on the American reality TV show was spectacular, but since when has that translated into a decent album?

Since now, as it turns out. This fun, well assembled album is jam-packed full of decent tunes, driven primarily by Lambert's voice and strong melodic lines. Glam rock certainly does live on and it's taking pop along with it.

Opening with the heart-pumping Music Again Lambert's pipe are in full wind (let's just say it's an organ term!) sounding at times like Mika or The Darkness. That could perhaps be because it has been written for Lambert by Justin Hawkins, former front-man for The Darkness and thoroughly nice chap. The track is fun and a great opener.

For Your Entertainment is another upbeat track just gagging for a remix, though truth be told it's ready made for any club in town as it is. Co-written by the man behind Since U Been Gone and My Life Would Suck Without You, it has hit written all over it. Not surprisingly, it was the first single released off the album and charted around the world.

Whataya Want From Me, was the second single from the album. Who wrote this? Oh just Pink. Driven more by vocals and melody line than the previous tracks, it too charted in several countries and is rockin'.

Strut is one of my faves from the album. It's racy, it's raunchy and it's dripping with attitude. Lambert co-wrote this track himself with, among others, Idol judge Kara DioGuardi.

Yeah sure Strut is good, but Soaked is brilliant. This actually is my favourite on the album. Written by Muse it opens with a full on orchestral operatic chorus before breaking into a soft piano and vocal. It all builds to a glorious crescendo - think sweeping, lush vocals, Shirley-Bassey-Bond-theme-esque. [insert satisfied smile and a deep satisfied sigh]

By now you're beginning to wonder if I'm going to go through the rest of the album track by track. Tempted though I am, I fear you would lose interest and I would run out of adjectives. How about just the Cliff Notes?

Sure Fire Winners - BIG vocals.
A Loaded Smile - Softer track, written by Linda Perry - the front-woman of 4 Non Blondes.
If I Had You - A beat driven track which I like a lot and predict you'll hear out in town a lot.
Pick U Up - Co-written my the producer of Mika's first album. Another not-unexpected link.
Fever - Yeah. Um. Lady Gaga wrote this one!! Like Strut this track is oozes spunk. Another favourite.
Sleepwalker - Co-written by the front-man of OneRepublic it curiously starts off like a Moby track.
Aftermath - Another high-point on the album. Vocally driven and co-written by Lambert.
Broken Open - The softest track on the album with full, legato vocals and synthed up backing. Full marks!
Time for Miracles - This track was released as a single, but is not officially considered his first from the album, that honour going to the aforementioned For Your Entertainment. It's the come-down track; a great finish to a great album.


There is a reason that all of these prominent musicians are rushing to help Adam Lambert - he's got talent. Real talent. This is a confident and excellent debut album. It wouldn't surprise me if someday, some of the big-name acts currently giving him a hand-up, were opening for Lambert's world tour.


As a whole, this album is up-tempo and a lot of fun. It's the kind of thing you might get caught singing along to at the traffic lights. Be loud and be proud! Flaunt it, just like Adam!

I initially took some convincing about this album, but one listen is all it takes. You'll be hooked. Don't let any preconceptions about Idol or the cover put you off. This is an album to be enjoyed with some cheeky friends and some cheeky drinks.


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4 eyelash extensions

Broken Bells (self titled)

Weird weird Weird!! One of the most bizarre music couplings ever would have to be that of Broken Bells - Danger Mouse and James Mercer of The Shins. I really had no idea what to expect when this puppy came sliding through my letterbox.

Somehow though, this seemingly mismatched pair work. With a style that they describe as "melodic, but experimental too" (thanks Wikipedia) they manage to bring a fresh sound to the airwaves.

A little bit of synth, a little bit of trumpet, some strings, some beats and yes... melody. You don't have to be an old, grumpy man with his brown pants pulled up to his saggy nipples waving a stick at some damned nuisance kids to know that the art of the melody has all but vanished from a lot of music these days. Broken Bells have a huge melodic focus and I for one am more than a little grateful.

The first single and first track on the disc is The High Road which, after a somewhat schizophrenic keyboard introduction settles into a good catchy road-trippy song with Vaporize picking up the pace a little but allowing the vocalist a little more room to strut his stuff.

The Ghost Inside is one of my picks from the album being catchy, having a little wail in the vocals and showing up the playful (dare I say whimsical) nature of their mix of instruments. Sailing to Nowhere is similar, if a little more laid back in it's tempo and relegating any guitar work to the back of the track. This is a pretty relaxed and chilled out album with plenty to offer the listener. Trap Doors is a little more heavy on the vocals but still manages to retain their unique style and strong melody.

In many ways the album has a very retro feel to it, but it's also looking forward as it messes around with mixes and instruments and ultimately creates something surprising, entertaining and a good kind of different. It's not a sound you will have heard much of before and it's one I could listen to a lot more of. This has the potential to become one of my favourite albums of the year.


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4 repaired bells

That Face

Opening night, opening night! Call me what you may, there really is nothing like an opening night. The glitz. The glamour. My mother! Yes, after many months, maybe years of nagging I gave in and invited dear old mum to the theatre.

We were attending That Face, the newest Silo Theatre production on at the Herald Theatre. Mum was excited. I was... well I was going! Isn't that enough?!

It turns out that That Face is about a fractured family set to implode at any second. (Yes. Mum was a bold choice of plus one, had I done my choosing knowingly!) The cause for the fractures is Martha, our matriarch and drunken schizophrenic egotist played gloriously by Jennifer Ward-Lealand. Think Patsy Stone... gone wrong!

Martha's drinking has lead to divorce from now absentee-dad Hugh (Andrew Grainger) and a serious rebellious streak in children Mia (Chelsie Preston Crayford) who is on the verge of expulsion after a hazing goes wrong, and Henry (Dan Weekes) who has dropped out of school to become an artist under his mother's expert tutelage.

Also in the cast are Edith Poor as Alice and the divine Rose McIver as Izzy - troublesome schoolmate to Mia and lover to Henry. (You may recognise Rose from her excellent performance as Lindsey in The Lovely Bones)

The first thing I want to highlight is the excellent standard of performance from all of the actors. Ward-Lealand is absolutely amazing as our flawed mummy dearest with intense and sensitive turns from Weekes and Preston Crayford as the two wrecked children. Grainger drips with ex-patriotism flying in from Hong Kong to buy/save the day. And Rose McIver... Well biased though I am, she just shines with charisma and adds a wicked side to the play.

Excellent performances are aided by an excellent script from then-19 year old Polly Stenham whose age must surely have lead to the realistic "voices" that the teenage characters have. She writes adults with a surprising maturity and it's no wonder the script earned not only accolades but praise.

The whole package comes with interesting lighting and staging as well and has been brought together by director Shane Bosher.

The play is raw and intense; a glimpse into a world where alcohol and money can both cause and solve problems. While providing some entertainment, expect to appreciate this rather than to enjoy it - things can get that way when you strip down the human condition and lay it bare. There is some foul language and plenty of foul characters.

Personally I go to the theatre to experience new ideas and have my emotional and mental boundaries pushed. Mum doesn't, but though she'd never admit it, she had tears in her eyes afterwards.

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4 empty pizza boxes

From Here to There

Mummy I want to be a ballerina when I grow up! As promised in my Mao's Last Dancer review, I have now attended the ballet.

From Here to There is the first season in the 2010 calendar of the Royal New Zealand Ballet. A collection of three short works with two intermissions, the performance might well be considered a beginners class to ballet - not a bad place for a novice like myself to start.

I surprised myself (I often do) with how quickly I was able to start analysing the performances of the dancers and the company as a whole. While I suppose I am lucky enough to have seen a number of performances of varying types so I at least have a point of reference to start from, those who know me well will attest to the fact that it does not often take long for the critic within me to surface.

I was also surprised (though not by myself) at how much I enjoyed my night. There were some ensemble issues at times and a few wobbly moments from a number of individuals, but overall I was entertained and enthralled.

Being the virginal ballet attendee that I am, I have chosen to group each segment of the concert by the music that accompanied it and also to refer to them as acts. Both decisions I have made are probably incorrect. If you are greatly offended I offer the following remedy: please write to me with your name & address, and I will send you a $5 Telecom phone card so that you can call somebody who cares.

The first act was set to music from Francis Poulenc which, for some reason, reminded me of a fairytale. I believe in conversation during intermission I likened the act to being a little like Benjamin Britten's A Young Person's Guide to the Orchestra - it's a little bit quirky, but demonstrates a number of different elements of the medium, ballet in this case. The costumes, stage and lighting are sparse and subtle with clever use of curtains drifting across the stage allowing dancers to appear from nowhere.

The second act is sublime. Choreographed by New Zealander Andrew Simmons and set to the haunting music of Philip Glass - dance and score become one. It is a perfect melding of music and dancer. The audience held our collective breaths as the piece played itself out in front of our eyes, brilliantly staged and lit so that shadows danced on the walls as dancers twirled centre stage. It is this act that will sell you on the concept of ballet. Judging from the vocal and prolonged applause others felt the same way.

There was an audible gasp from the audience as the curtain rose on act three revealing a solitary dancer dressed in what I'm going to call Carmen Red in the centre of a walled in stage of Bright Star Purple. The act was set to Bach's well known Concerto 1 in D minor and beautiful and fluid demonstrating well the elegance and poise of the dancers, but the true highlight had come and gone in act two.

If you're anything like me (which I hope for your sake you're not) then reading the programme is like looking at the inside of the lid of a box of chocolates, scanning your eyes and fingers over the list of dancers and picking out the one you want for yourself. I'm terrible - I do it at most plays and operas too.

But it isn't only the ridiculously crafted bodies that you should go along for. Ballet really is an art form full of emotion, grace and poise. I am now sold - the ballet can tell stories, can move and affect you. Have a look at The Edge website and you'll see how this evening's entertainment is actually far more affordable than you might have thought.

I for one will be pinching my pennies to try my hand at a full ballet later on this year either with Carmen (with the same music as Bizet's divine opera) or Tchaikovsky's The Nutcracker.

Take a chance. You might surprise yourself.

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4 incredibly sexy dancers

PS You'll have all noticed how incredibly restrained I've been when it comes to the subject of the dancers themselves. So that the record is clear - I want one. Who wouldn't?! A bendy ballet boy or girl of your very own...? You know you would.

The Men Who Stare At Goats

Funny thing about George Clooney, he's never really done a "commercial" film outside of the Ocean's trilogy. Sure there was his ill-fated turn Batman, but even that was a bit of a risk given the unpopular post-Burton renormalisation the franchise was going through. For the most part he picks interesting, dare I say, arthouse films. Take for example Good Night, and Good Luck; Michael Clayton; Up in the Air; Syriana and anything with the Cohen Brothers. Yet somehow the man is a true A-List celebrity.

How does he do it? Well obviously unfading good looks help. He's self-deprecating, a little charming and seems like the kind of guy you could have a beer with or a tumble in the sheets with (depending on your preference). He's also a pretty good actor as it turns out.

The Men Who Stare at Goats is a pretty good film, but it's an excellent example of how Clooney can carry something on his own.

The film itself is a little like a Wes Anderson start-up project. By that I mean it's a little nutty, bit crazy, a touch mad, and partly doo-lally, but it's also laced with wry humour both in the dialogue and in the background. It's a little undercooked however almost like the first film from an excellent director who has yet to completely find his own style and rhythm (yes the metaphor comes full circle).

It's all a little confused and not helped by Ewan McGregor and his oft-criticised American accent, however the film has a charm of it's own and there are enough funny moments to keep you occupied looking (and hoping) for more.

Clooney and Jeff Bridges make the film. Their performances are both subtle and slapstick at the same time and they are a delight to watch. Kevin Spacey is alright if a little overblown for a film of this kind.

Don't go in expecting the second coming, but prepared to enjoy a quirky psychedelic ride man.

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3 daisy chains

Law Abiding Citizen

DISCLAIMER: You'd be hard pressed to find two actors I dislike more than Jamie Foxx and Gerard Butler.

That being said, I went along to Law Abiding Citizen with a quiet excitement. I know a few people who saw this back in November and the buzz was quite good.

What a lot of rot!

I have a feeling that this may be the worst film I've seen in around 12 months. The acting was terrible, the supposedly thought provoking premise was an obvious truism and the characters all unlikeable.

The idea is that Gerard Butler is a man wronged by the wheelings and dealings of the legal system - personally I don't think justice was too far off the mark. He spends the next 10 years concocting his revenge - a plan that will make those responsible for his injustice both learn and pay. The target? The judge, smooth talking attorney Jamie Foxx, the criminals directly responsible and anyone else even remotely involved. They are to pay in blood. (cue dramatic music)

It is a cunning plan. Blackaddian almost. One which we're lead to believe has been conceived and executed by one of the smartest men in espionage. PROBLEM. How does one of the smartest, most forward thinking men on the planet, then meet the end that this film forces upon him? Let's face facts... he doesn't. It's just an example of a poorly constructed plot which needed a quick conclusion.

I'm at a loss to continue. What more can I say? There was one solitary moment of originality - a cell-phone bomb that was both surprising and really quite cool.

I believe the R18 rating this film received was a bit harsh, but in any case I struggle to see who above or below 18 years of age would really enjoy this film.

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1 two-hour block of my life I'll never get back.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Today after weeks of waiting, I went to watch The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. A friend of mine at work loves the book and heaps of people had told me the film was awesome. Despite it being rather early in the day and my being jet-lagged up to the eyeballs, I was excited.

In this instance though, I'm afraid I have to march against the crowd. It left me cold. It just didn't do it for me at all.

To me, this is what a Scooby Doo episode would be if it were R-rated and in Sweedish. Far from the complex, twisty-turny tale of intrigue, betrayal and suspicion, the story was less captivating than a jar of mayonnaise.

Yes there were some quite graphic rape scenes, but having seen Antichrist and Shortbus I feel I was pretty well prepared and when considered in that company, they were pretty tame.

The characters weren't particularly well rounded and I really couldn't see why relationships played out the way that they did.

For some reason, the subtitles really bugged me this time. I've seen hundreds of foreign language films in everything from German to Spanish, French to Elvish, but for some reason I found fault with it in this case. Perhaps simply because I didn't find the film remarkable and could just have easily have watched a identically mediocre English film of the same genre.

Oh... and they made very little mention of the dragon tattoo. It seemed to have very little significance when it came to either the girl or the plot.

Having gone in expecting to enjoy the film and intending to read the second and third books in the series, I left flat and almost desperate enough to go out and buy a new vampire book.

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2 unmet expectations

Mao's Last Dancer

God help me I do love a good premiere. Don't judge. I like a little excitement, glitz and glamour. Sue me!

So, quite happily, I gave up the chance to see Shutter Island and toddle along to the premiere with a friend. A few stars, a few drinks, I was helpless really. (as a side note I'm desperate to see Shutter pretty soon though. Am hearing great things)

Mao's Last Dancer is a very special film. The story of a young boy growing up in Mao's China, plucked from his family at a young age to train in a national ballet school. After years in this oppressive, if eventually rewarding environment, he is discovered by a touring American ballet director and invited to visit the US as a guest dancer at the Houston Ballet.

It's a very simple story and, truth be told, a very simple film; one that sticks to the basics and has no aspirations of being grander than it is. As a result, it's incredibly powerful and moving. I know that both myself and my charming plus one had pools in our eyes during the gorgeous emotional climax.

I must confess that though a fan of the opera, classical music, the theatre, poetry... (basically anything considered upper-class and wanky) I have never really "gotten" ballet. That changed with this film. The beauty, elegance, strength, control and passion of the art shone through and I'm hoping to be able to attend a ballet-proper later this year.

The performances from Chi Cao as the grown up Li Cunxin and Bruce Greenwood as Ben Stevenson were excellent and true and both were superb casting choices.

This is not a film that will break box office records, but it is a film worthy of its ticket price and richly rewarding for those who attend.

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4 1/2 demi-pliés